May Mental Health Awareness Month

Hey, folks, if you're not aware already the month of May, is Mental Health Awareness.

Mental Health can be such a taboo subject and a lot of people out there suffer every single day with all different types of Mental Health disorders and issues, unfortunately, a lot feel so alienated and ashamed regarding other people's perceptions and ignorance towards having a mental health problem.

More definitely needs to be done to stop the stigma.

My own story on mental health I never thought I would be saying I suffered from one or two never mind typing about them.

I recently posted a video on my youtube channel which is Julie Barbour I don't have a customized URL link yet as need more than 100 subscribers, but if you go to search on youtube you can find my video on let's get honest.

I mention that people that have or have people they love that suffered from a mental health problem or are suffering themselves there not alone.

I have had bouts of depression on and off from the age of 16 mostly to do with my appearance and weight issues. I started having problems with my weight in primary school, I developed epilepsy the medication that was prescribed for me were steroid tablets and they made me totally bloated and pile on the weight. 

Not being into the outdoors or very active obviously I wasn't moving about and doing much about my weight gain, and I have always found comfort in food, the food was my love and my friend.

I was lucky enough to get rid of epilepsy and not carry on with it in my life but I continued to carry the weight and didn't have the best diet I ate what I was given like all kids do.

When I became a teenager well you all know how teenagers can be, there mean but kids, in general, are anyway regardless as I got picked on in primary school as well as high school.

So I used to get so low and just hide away and not socialize with people I didn't want to go out or do all the normal things that other kids were doing cause they all left me out anyway, so what did I do I took comfort in what I could which was food.

But this added to my depression as I got bigger and more unhappy with myself and my self-loathing got worse but I couldn't see a way around my situation.

But really for me, depression was the worst ever in my life a month after my mum passed away in 2003, which is understandable up until my mum passed I was on autopilot going to work every day for 35 hours a week then home quick change and over to the hospital every evening to sit with her for a bit, so naturally when she was gone the reality kicked in and bam it hit me this was it I wasn't going to see her ever again, and this was a huge blow for me and I was so low I cried a lot didn't want to do anything but didn't want to be alone.

I was knackered all the time but couldn't sleep, I ate as it made me feel some kind of comfort as this was and is my comforting method for coping.

But I took some time out and a change of environment and I managed to pull myself together.

But then in  2014, I thought oh my god what the hell is happening to me I was so scared the feelings I was having was like an outer body experience in some ways even now I don't know how to explain it if I'm honest.

I was getting loads of headaches and pain in my chest and down my left arm so naturally, I was like it must be my heart, but I was like please not me I cannot die. But I was like how can I tell anyone how I am feeling especially my dad as he would never understand and we don't have that sort of relationship we don't communicate well.

So I was terrified and kept my symptoms to myself and then eventually enough was enough I had to seek help, I went to the doctor and before I was even seen I was sobbing like I was being murdered in the waiting area so as soon as doctor came to get me she knew straight away something was seriously wrong.

I explained all my symptoms and how I had been feeling and she did EKG tests and they came back all clear I wasn't having a heart attack but I still had chest pains and left arm pain, so she thought it might be a Hiatus Hernia which it turns out it is.

It took a while for the doctor to send me for the endoscopy to tell it was the HH so Naturally, I was beside myself with worry, in between this waiting for the appointment the doctor asked me to fill out a questionnaire answering some  questions along the lines of do you feel suicidal that sort of thing I can't really remember.

So I filled that in with tears rolling down my face I was just feeling so awful much much worse than ever with the depression the doctor was so amazing with me she listened and didn't judge me,  we discussed taking something to see if it helped me as she said it seemed I was suffering from anxiety disorder, I was a bit reluctant as coped with depression without pills.

My heart beat at the time to me was racing constantly to the extent I could feel it when trying to sleep so doctor put me on beta blockers to slow my heart rate down a bit and these were helping that, but then were giving me hardly any pulse in the end and angina-like symptoms so had to stop them!.

Eventually I was put onto Fluoxetine which is a mild Prozac pill that is prescribed for many different illnesses,to start of  with these made me really sick as with a lot of anti-depressant drugs they take time to get used to I was a right state between getting used to them and feeling terrified already with the anxiety and it taking over everything in my body,mind I felt like I just wanted to die and never to feel like I this  ever again, I was starting to become a recluse I didn't want to risk leaving my home in case I had an anxious attack as who would help me, but then again I didn't want it taking hold of my life and ruining it.

I eventually got used to the pills and my symptoms of sickness calmed down and to this day I still take them and I'm so much better I still have episodes but nowhere near as bad as they were, in the beginning, thank god or I really don't know if I would be here typing this, as I just couldn't cope with how it took over my whole being.

I had CBT therapy and the woman that I saw was lovely cognitive behavioral therapy is about changing your minds thinking patterns  and showing you that what your thinking is not always what is right or going on, for example, I felt that if I got a headache I was going to freak out and panic as this was one of the many health things that seemed to trigger the panic within my body but in reality I was getting the tension in my head because I was getting anxious about a headache, so you have to learn to re- train your brain and thoughts so  that No I am fine and if I get a headache I don't need to panic about it, I have survived it before and I am in control of my thoughts. 

I did this for six weeks and it really helped me she gave me workbooks which I still have in my drawer and reading over things and putting it into context really does help, once you get yourself together enough to let yourself heal and others to help you.

For me personally, anxiety is 1000000 times worse than depression when I asked what difference was in being a little anxious like everyone can get and an anxiety disorder like doctor says I suffer with, she said the huge difference is that it takes over me for long periods of time and in an extreme way, it de stabilises me when it's at its worst. 

I have had ignorant people say to me everyone gets anxious and nervous at points in their lives and yes they do but not to the extent of some off us, people are always going to be ignorant and judge and to me that is their issue, not mine or the others of us out there that are suffering or have suffered, all I have to say to these ignorant individuals is I hope that you never ever have to suffer like the people you have judged and made feel worse about themselves and their situation.

In general you will find the folk that you can trust and love you and are there for you and understand maybe not fully as no one can not even really someone with similar issues as its so hard to describe it to someone that you feel scared or your thoughts and body are preventing you from the smallest of things, but they see you as LOOKING FINE!!! I cannot stress enough it doesn't matter if you look fine doesn't mean you are fine. 

To have a broken limb or a visible illness is more acceptable to today's society but thats not reality or always the case, so let's all take a step back and look at the world around us and try and do better in our judgment of others. 

We all judge each other unfortunately that always going to happen but we ourselves as individuals can try to do better and make a difference surely in some way no matter how small. 

I am happy to answer any questions if you have any leave them in comments bellow and am willing to listen have a good rant or a cry let it all out and never be ashamed.

have a great week and know that you're not alone please if you are suffering don't do it in silence seek help from a professional or a friend confide in someone even if someone who is a stranger sometimes that's best way and easiest. 

much love Julie XXXX